Time for another blogfest. This time, Brenda Drake’s (click the link for all the deets and a list of other participants) teen book club will read our loglines and excerpts and pick the ones they most want to read. Fun, right?
So here goes. Sophie, a YA historical fantasy, may be renamed to The Bathsheba Medallion.
35-word pitch:
Sophie, a sheltered teen dancer stuck in 19th century Paris, must ignore her feelings for a passionate young gentleman, and rely on a thief to solve a century-old mystery about her mom to get home.
Pitch, Take Three:
Sophie, a teen dancer stuck in 19th century Paris, must ignore her feelings for a young Zionist, and rely on a thief to solve a mystery about her mom to return to the present.
250-word excerpt:
My feet thud on the pavement and my ankles fail me. I cry out in pain and surprise.
I squint at the lights shining from streetlamps and rushing cars. Too bright.
Sounds bombard me from every direction: car horns blare, music blasts, people talk, laugh, sing. My head pounds. I touch my temple and groan.
“Est-ce que tout va bien, mademoiselle? Avez-vous besoin d’aide?” a man asks, kneeling at my side.
I wonder why he is speaking French. Is everything okay, as he asked? My whole body hurts. I can’t seem to remember anything except French.
Where am I?
My head whips back and forth, checking out my surroundings. I recognize the Place de l’Opéra in Paris.
Okay, deep breaths. I’m in Paris. Mom’s birthplace.
In a fog, I frown at the long, dark skirt, pointed black ankle boots, and a long-sleeved cream blouse scratching my neck. Where are my shorts and flip flops?
I stand, vaguely wondering what happened to my good samaritan, when a necklace bounces against my chest. I grab the gold medallion and stare at the pattern that causes memories to wash over me.
Each wave threatens my balance. I shiver in fear, despite the heat.
What year is this?
Another glance around confirms I’m at least close to my own time period. Cars and motorcycles. People wearing tee shirts, sun dresses, sneakers and sandals. That sparks a new memory, of putting these old fashioned clothes on over lightweight, modern gear. I smile and pull flip flops from my sleeves.
That’s it. Feel free to give me feedback on the pitch and/or the excerpt. Then I’ll be crossing my toes to win an awesome editing package from CA Marshall.
Thanks and have a brilliant week!
YA Author VB Tremper 
Can canines enter? For my human’s new book, “A Place No One Should Go.” A twelve word pitch would be – “A 21st Century man battles 16th Century evil…and his own conscience.”
Sandy
http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com
Hello! I loved your logline. It definitely made me want to read on.
The only thing that struck me was your intro paragraph saying this was historical fantasy then reading in the sample there are streetlights and rushing cars. That totally threw me out of the moment.
In your logline you might want to reword it so we know from the start it has a time travel aspect.
Wow! Screaming with tension! What a thrilling piece. But you know how much I love Sophie. Good-luck.
Great logline Vicki!
Love the first pitch. I’d so read that 🙂
I like the second pitch better, but I would tweak the beginning to include her name.
I love the premise, and I love your excerpt, especially since the story takes off right away.
Oh and please come read my entry. 🙂
Great logline! Sounds like a fun historical fantasy!
I like that you changed “home” to “present”. I think your second pitch is good!
I love that the necklace and a thief are her ticket and that you mention the time period and necklace right away. You’ve got the conflict and solution right there in the very beginning.
I like your first 250. Nice work! I have a couple of suggestions for you to take or leave!!
“My head whips back and forth, checking out my surroundings. I recognize the Place de l’Opéra in Paris.
Okay, deep breaths. I’m in Paris. Mom’s birthplace.”
I’d like more scene description here. (I’m not a fan of her head “whips”. I’d leave it at “I check out my surroundings.” THEN describe what she sees. Ornate buildings that curve around cobblestone streets, flower boxes outside every window, etc. (even ornate could be broken down…what exactly does she see?) What makes her recognize it as her mom’s birthplace? Does she recognize it from photos or has she been there before? (You don’t have to mention any of this, but I’m just curious what she sees and how that makes her recognize it.)
“I stand, vaguely wondering what happened to my good samaritan”
I suggest you take out the vaguely. If he just disappeared, it wouldn’t be vague wonder. She would just wonder. Even though her thoughts are going everywhere in her panic. For that moment she wonders it, it’s not vague.
Best of luck!! Christy
sorry, mine looks, um is, really long…. christy
I like the 2nd pitch, but would change it to–in order to return to the past. Everything else sounds great.
I definitely didn’t get that she was in a different century than normal at first. Maybe say “Sophie needs to get home. She’s stuck in 19th century Paris, and must rely on a thief to help her solve the mystery surrounding her mother and return to her own time”. Nix the romance bit unless it’s the thief she’s falling for.
I’m also wondering if she was expecting to go back in time? She’s wearing period clothes in the opening, but obviously in her own century, as if this happens often. Is it something she can control, and then something happens and she gets stuck?
Definitely an interesting premise. Good luck in the contest!
The second pitch is best. And the story is intriguing. An interesting fusion of past and present.
Love it! 🙂
Your first 250 words has me intrigued. Good job on the 2nd pitch too!
I loved the log line – felt very Prada and Prejudice (which I loved). The only thing I wasn’t crazy about – “passionate young gentleman.” I tried to come up with something else, but couldn’t. idk
Really like the 250! Good luck!
Sounds exciting! 🙂 Good luck with it.